Day 22

First Failure

There is no success without a string of failures, or at least that is what the experts say. So I'm proud that I've had my first disappointment of this experiment. At least it shows that I am taking chances.

A fellow dancer sent out a link looking for GoGo Dancers in the metro area. This is something that I have long thought would be fun but never had the courage to try for. So I sent the recruiter my info. Unfortunately, there was no response and I heard through the grapevine that she felt I was too heavy after reviewing my facebook pictures.

I am still in early days and not where I am aiming to be just yet, so I'm really not too concerned by the comment. The victory lies in the fact that I actually went out on that limb and applied. :)

Go ME!

Day 15

Motivation

Things were creaking off to a slow start, I always find this time of the year hardest to stay active. With the short days and presence of holiday schedules, it makes discipline even more of a challenge.

But this week two things have come along to motivate me on a myriad of different levels.

First off a friend sent me a link to an art competition to design a vinyl sleeve cover for one of my favorite bands. I am currently so inspired by their music and can’t take the c.d. out of the car, so needless to say the ideas are flooding my brain.

Normally I don’t enter these contests because I am afraid I will look like a complete amateur. Fear of failure or inadequacy prevents me from even trying. I’m noticing this is a common theme in my life even in my dancing and modeling pursuits.

Then yesterday, I get the email that my troupe is one of only 6 local groups hand selected to open the BDSS show in our city. Always cool to share the stage with icons, but this has the added element of making one actually visible to the directors and decision makers of this troupe. As one of the few working and touring professional troupes, its one of only a handful of opportunities to make this genre of dance a full time career. The odds are very small, but somewhat better than a cattle call audition. There is a chance to shine, and only have to stand out of a couple dozen rather than hundreds.

This got me thinking about all of the opportunities in the coming year. January is the art contest, in February TribalCon where I will be on stage around Zoe Jakes and Ariellah as well as taking multiple classes from them. March is BDSS. September is the Las Vegas intensive as well as the Sera Solstice and Aziza workshop my studio is hosting... and in between all kinds of personal “moments” to work toward and look forward to.

This year has so much potential. And while there are no guarantees, these are chances many people will never get.

Talk about motivation. Its up to me and me alone to do this and make sure that I am the best that I possibly can be. And if I don’t make it, then at least I know I really and truly tried. And if I do, I can live a dream I never expected to realize :)

Days 7-10

I think in a lot of ways I am the biggest obstacle to my own success. I’m working physically towards becoming the person I am in my head but I’m realizing more and more that I don’t think of myself as that person. Its as separate from my identity as SJ or any of the various other people that I find myself wishing I was more like.

I spend so much time waiting for validation from outside sources, but before I can ever hope for that to come, I have to validate myself.

With the approach of winter equinox, and the gradual returning of the light, its a great time to lay to rest the thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve. So for me it is a time to start living as the ideal me. Not to say “I’ll be like this when I reach my fitness goals”, but to actually live every day from this very second onward as my truest best most confident self.

It’s time to take care of my body and feed my spirit. Time to walk with my head high, dress how I like, be who I am, and not care what anyone else...even J... has to say about it.

So in addition to my dedication to my dance and spiritual goals, I am going to work this year towards making the me that I project to the world and the inner vision come into alignment.

AND, as long as I’m making resolutions... there is another piece of the puzzle that I am missing. While I have many friends, I have a tendency to keep them at arms length, there is not one person other than J, that I really let close enough to be a true confidant. I need to change that and really work on building my relationships with other people and letting them in. Its time to find a true best friend instead of having a myriad of close acquaintances.

Food for thought heading into the weekend.

Day 6

Still not 100%, but starting to feel human again. I was able to get up on time and take care of the fur babies and the sick boy. Work was a long day, and I got a bit wobbly by the afternoon.

My diet was o.k., with a nice green salad for lunch, but I just ate convenience food for dinner, as I was tired and also taking care of J.

I didn’t have the energy to dance, but I did do my ab work and pole strengthening work :). I’m really feeling the lack of pole time over the past few months.

Before bed I managed to start my meditation and spiritual studies.

Overall, I’m proud of the work I put in.

Days 1 thru 5

Off to a Rough Start!

The universe always throws one a curve ball doesn’t it? I was all motivated and ready to go, when low and behold I come down with the flu. Happy Birthday to ME!!

This means, the first five days were more or less spent in bed with the covers up to my eyebrows and diet consisted of whatever was available and I felt up to eating.

I’m not discouraged however. I’m excited to see what this year will bring. I love myself as I am, but I know that I could be even better with a little effort :). And the fact that hurdles beyond my control are trying to defeat me, makes me think that awesome things could await. It’s when the seas are too calm and easy that one has to wonder if they are headed in the right direction.

So I’m loading up on Vitamin C and D and getting myself pumped up for the journey ahead.

The Final Countdown

(five reasons not to just sit on my bum and eat cake)

As day one of ye ole experiment draws near, I’m dealing with my traditional self-defeating cold feet. Among the voices in my head are ones that say “you’re just going to fail” and especially loud is “most people your age are perfectly happy to come home from their day job and watch TV in the evenings”. So as I get ready to really sink my teeth into this, I challenged myself to come up with five reasons why I can’t be lazy any more.

1. I am not “most people my age.”
Let’s face it. I don’t fit the corporate mold that popped out 90% of the people in my office. While I’m sure it makes them quite content, I cannot find personal fulfillment in the business world. If work and horrible TV sitcoms were all life had to offer, how depressed would I be? Besides, I don’t even like TV that much...and there are only so many bad made for TV movies one can watch. NEXT...

2. I need to rediscover the things that made me fall in love with dance in the first place.
While there have been some wonderful highlights in the past year, in all it was not a growth year in terms of my dance. If anything, the momentum has been in the opposite direction. Too much time spent as teacher, employee, and troupe member have left me frustrated and out of touch with my inspiration, my goals and my voice...in short it has been more work than wonder lately. Don’t get me wrong, I love to teach and I love my troupe members, but I cannot let myself stagnate in the name of maintaining status quo.

3. I know I could be better than I am at present.
But I also know that I will not get there without some effort on my part. Thinking about dancing while working is great, but not going to make me the next Sera Solstice.

4. There are so many things I want to try.
Do I want to perfect triple pirouettes and picturesque aerial drops? Yes Please :)!!
And while I’m at it, I’m going to hold my Jade split as well.... just wait. It is going to be AWESOME.

5. I’m tired of un-tagging myself in photos on Facebook.
I’m not fat by any means, but hand in hand with the lack of dance progress has come a loss of muscle tone. I need to get back into gear and get my abs back.

So when the call of the big comfy couch and LMN become more than I can withstand, I just have to think about the countdown and all I hope to become in the next 12ish months. Fingers crossed...

Realistic Viewpoints

Recently I attended a dance workshop, where a very well known instructor proudly declared anyone with less than 10 years of dance experience was to be considered a complete beginner. And while I agree that two years does not an expert make, if you reviewed even her own career, the math didn’t add up. She was performing as a professional well before her ten year anniversary.

I came away from this encounter with much to chew on, but two main points keep repeating in my mind.

First off, no matter how much experience someone may have, never drink the kool-aid without sniffing it first. You can learn something from everyone, even the greenest novice in your class if you are open and paying attention. And no one, no matter how much they may try to shove it down your throat that they are the living alpha and omega of information on a particular topic, has all of the answers. Go into everything with your intellectual objectivity turned on and keep only the things that work for you.

The second point, at least for me was the more important…and that is simply that it is ok to suck. What is not ok is to continue to suck if this is your chosen path in life. No one starts out perfect … even Anna Pavlova had to spend years in training, and I am sure she had her bad moments. I am coming to accept, that my technique is not where it should be and as I begin to work on righting this issue, things are hard that in my head should be a cakewalk. The human nature in me wants to just quit...to throw my hands in the air and say the infamous “I can’t do this, this is too hard! Look how terrible I am.” But the truly great people became great, not because they were born that way, but because they didn’t let this feeling of inadequacy shut them down. They kept pushing and practicing, each day getting a little better and growing a little more, until one day they were able to manifest the artist that lives in their soul here in the real world. I know in my heart, I am pig-headed enough to do this. And if I start to have doubts, all I have to do is ask my bf (the one I outlasted 4 years of his relationship phobia to be with) to confirm my stubbornness is without equal ;).

So as I ease into this experiment, I enter with a realistic vision of myself. Right now, I am in most people’s opinion a good dancer. Compared to where I want to be, however, I do indeed “suck”. And for now that is o.k. I accept that it will be this way for a while even. But if I keep at it, persevere even when I’d rather lie on the couch and do my best impression of a knot on a log, then this too shall pass. And one day, I will be able to say, “You know, I’m not that bad”. And even further down the road, I will be that dancer and model and all around person that lives in my head.

Getting Ready for the Role of a Lifetime

Disclaimer: grammar is not my friend, so if you can’t handle reading a blog that is not written in perfect AP style, I will make you a bit insane.

So the actual experiment will not actually begin until November 30th. But just as you wouldn’t show up for the Ironman without training, I realize, I need to get myself in order, and eased into this...otherwise, failure would be inevitable.

What exactly am I trying to accomplish? In all honesty, I’m not entirely sure. I think for me this is more about the process than a particular end goal. Here is the inside scoop. For most of my life, I never really paid attention to what I ate, was not particularly athletic, and spent most of my life working at a computer and reading books. When I reached my twenties, I finally decided to pursue a lifelong dream and start taking ballet lessons. From the first tendu I was in LOOOOVE. I had finally found my passion.

That’s when it started. The “too bad you are too old to ever do anything more than hobby classes”. I kept going , though, and started exploring other forms of dance as well. But because all I ever heard was “you’ll only ever be an amateur no matter how hard you work” I never really put more than 50% effort into it. I didn’t practice much outside of class, I still didn’t pay any attention to what I ate, etc.

Despite the relative laziness, I started dropping weight, I looked younger, I FELT younger. I developed a strong technique in middle eastern dance and pole/exotic dance fitness. I became a member of a professional belly dance troupe and eventually a teacher of both dance forms. Next thing I know, I’m in my 30s and stronger and more fit than I had ever been before. With that realization, came a sense of power.

I spent an entire life running from cameras. I’d turned it into an art form. But with my newfound confidence, I agreed to model for a couple of photographer friends. What I found was the camera didn’t have to be my enemy. It was fun ... a lot of fun actually. But when people said I should actually pursue paid gigs, I immediately jumped to “I’m too old and too short” and dismissed it out of hand.

I don’t know when my thinking changed, but somewhere along the way I started to ask myself  “what if”. What if I started paying attention? What if I practiced more? What if I put say 80% effort into things? What if I paid more attention to my training and growth as a dancer? ... went back to ballet? ... started Bikram? ... ate better?

So I set a challenge for myself to do exactly that. To keep a food journal. To go back to classes in yoga, ballet and aerial silks. To drill my belly dance outside of rehearsals. To start a Model Mayhem account. And also to make time for my art and sewing, to spend quality time with the bf and really take the time to tend to my spiritual self as well.

I still have a grasp on reality. I realize I will never dance Giselle in Lincoln Center or show up on the cover of Italian Vogue...but I want to see what I can do, what I can become. And just maybe, I want to let other women who are in their 20s and 30s believe that we are not over the hill yet - we can still have dreams too!