Realistic Viewpoints

Recently I attended a dance workshop, where a very well known instructor proudly declared anyone with less than 10 years of dance experience was to be considered a complete beginner. And while I agree that two years does not an expert make, if you reviewed even her own career, the math didn’t add up. She was performing as a professional well before her ten year anniversary.

I came away from this encounter with much to chew on, but two main points keep repeating in my mind.

First off, no matter how much experience someone may have, never drink the kool-aid without sniffing it first. You can learn something from everyone, even the greenest novice in your class if you are open and paying attention. And no one, no matter how much they may try to shove it down your throat that they are the living alpha and omega of information on a particular topic, has all of the answers. Go into everything with your intellectual objectivity turned on and keep only the things that work for you.

The second point, at least for me was the more important…and that is simply that it is ok to suck. What is not ok is to continue to suck if this is your chosen path in life. No one starts out perfect … even Anna Pavlova had to spend years in training, and I am sure she had her bad moments. I am coming to accept, that my technique is not where it should be and as I begin to work on righting this issue, things are hard that in my head should be a cakewalk. The human nature in me wants to just quit...to throw my hands in the air and say the infamous “I can’t do this, this is too hard! Look how terrible I am.” But the truly great people became great, not because they were born that way, but because they didn’t let this feeling of inadequacy shut them down. They kept pushing and practicing, each day getting a little better and growing a little more, until one day they were able to manifest the artist that lives in their soul here in the real world. I know in my heart, I am pig-headed enough to do this. And if I start to have doubts, all I have to do is ask my bf (the one I outlasted 4 years of his relationship phobia to be with) to confirm my stubbornness is without equal ;).

So as I ease into this experiment, I enter with a realistic vision of myself. Right now, I am in most people’s opinion a good dancer. Compared to where I want to be, however, I do indeed “suck”. And for now that is o.k. I accept that it will be this way for a while even. But if I keep at it, persevere even when I’d rather lie on the couch and do my best impression of a knot on a log, then this too shall pass. And one day, I will be able to say, “You know, I’m not that bad”. And even further down the road, I will be that dancer and model and all around person that lives in my head.

Getting Ready for the Role of a Lifetime

Disclaimer: grammar is not my friend, so if you can’t handle reading a blog that is not written in perfect AP style, I will make you a bit insane.

So the actual experiment will not actually begin until November 30th. But just as you wouldn’t show up for the Ironman without training, I realize, I need to get myself in order, and eased into this...otherwise, failure would be inevitable.

What exactly am I trying to accomplish? In all honesty, I’m not entirely sure. I think for me this is more about the process than a particular end goal. Here is the inside scoop. For most of my life, I never really paid attention to what I ate, was not particularly athletic, and spent most of my life working at a computer and reading books. When I reached my twenties, I finally decided to pursue a lifelong dream and start taking ballet lessons. From the first tendu I was in LOOOOVE. I had finally found my passion.

That’s when it started. The “too bad you are too old to ever do anything more than hobby classes”. I kept going , though, and started exploring other forms of dance as well. But because all I ever heard was “you’ll only ever be an amateur no matter how hard you work” I never really put more than 50% effort into it. I didn’t practice much outside of class, I still didn’t pay any attention to what I ate, etc.

Despite the relative laziness, I started dropping weight, I looked younger, I FELT younger. I developed a strong technique in middle eastern dance and pole/exotic dance fitness. I became a member of a professional belly dance troupe and eventually a teacher of both dance forms. Next thing I know, I’m in my 30s and stronger and more fit than I had ever been before. With that realization, came a sense of power.

I spent an entire life running from cameras. I’d turned it into an art form. But with my newfound confidence, I agreed to model for a couple of photographer friends. What I found was the camera didn’t have to be my enemy. It was fun ... a lot of fun actually. But when people said I should actually pursue paid gigs, I immediately jumped to “I’m too old and too short” and dismissed it out of hand.

I don’t know when my thinking changed, but somewhere along the way I started to ask myself  “what if”. What if I started paying attention? What if I practiced more? What if I put say 80% effort into things? What if I paid more attention to my training and growth as a dancer? ... went back to ballet? ... started Bikram? ... ate better?

So I set a challenge for myself to do exactly that. To keep a food journal. To go back to classes in yoga, ballet and aerial silks. To drill my belly dance outside of rehearsals. To start a Model Mayhem account. And also to make time for my art and sewing, to spend quality time with the bf and really take the time to tend to my spiritual self as well.

I still have a grasp on reality. I realize I will never dance Giselle in Lincoln Center or show up on the cover of Italian Vogue...but I want to see what I can do, what I can become. And just maybe, I want to let other women who are in their 20s and 30s believe that we are not over the hill yet - we can still have dreams too!