Day 22

First Failure

There is no success without a string of failures, or at least that is what the experts say. So I'm proud that I've had my first disappointment of this experiment. At least it shows that I am taking chances.

A fellow dancer sent out a link looking for GoGo Dancers in the metro area. This is something that I have long thought would be fun but never had the courage to try for. So I sent the recruiter my info. Unfortunately, there was no response and I heard through the grapevine that she felt I was too heavy after reviewing my facebook pictures.

I am still in early days and not where I am aiming to be just yet, so I'm really not too concerned by the comment. The victory lies in the fact that I actually went out on that limb and applied. :)

Go ME!

Day 15

Motivation

Things were creaking off to a slow start, I always find this time of the year hardest to stay active. With the short days and presence of holiday schedules, it makes discipline even more of a challenge.

But this week two things have come along to motivate me on a myriad of different levels.

First off a friend sent me a link to an art competition to design a vinyl sleeve cover for one of my favorite bands. I am currently so inspired by their music and can’t take the c.d. out of the car, so needless to say the ideas are flooding my brain.

Normally I don’t enter these contests because I am afraid I will look like a complete amateur. Fear of failure or inadequacy prevents me from even trying. I’m noticing this is a common theme in my life even in my dancing and modeling pursuits.

Then yesterday, I get the email that my troupe is one of only 6 local groups hand selected to open the BDSS show in our city. Always cool to share the stage with icons, but this has the added element of making one actually visible to the directors and decision makers of this troupe. As one of the few working and touring professional troupes, its one of only a handful of opportunities to make this genre of dance a full time career. The odds are very small, but somewhat better than a cattle call audition. There is a chance to shine, and only have to stand out of a couple dozen rather than hundreds.

This got me thinking about all of the opportunities in the coming year. January is the art contest, in February TribalCon where I will be on stage around Zoe Jakes and Ariellah as well as taking multiple classes from them. March is BDSS. September is the Las Vegas intensive as well as the Sera Solstice and Aziza workshop my studio is hosting... and in between all kinds of personal “moments” to work toward and look forward to.

This year has so much potential. And while there are no guarantees, these are chances many people will never get.

Talk about motivation. Its up to me and me alone to do this and make sure that I am the best that I possibly can be. And if I don’t make it, then at least I know I really and truly tried. And if I do, I can live a dream I never expected to realize :)

Days 7-10

I think in a lot of ways I am the biggest obstacle to my own success. I’m working physically towards becoming the person I am in my head but I’m realizing more and more that I don’t think of myself as that person. Its as separate from my identity as SJ or any of the various other people that I find myself wishing I was more like.

I spend so much time waiting for validation from outside sources, but before I can ever hope for that to come, I have to validate myself.

With the approach of winter equinox, and the gradual returning of the light, its a great time to lay to rest the thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve. So for me it is a time to start living as the ideal me. Not to say “I’ll be like this when I reach my fitness goals”, but to actually live every day from this very second onward as my truest best most confident self.

It’s time to take care of my body and feed my spirit. Time to walk with my head high, dress how I like, be who I am, and not care what anyone else...even J... has to say about it.

So in addition to my dedication to my dance and spiritual goals, I am going to work this year towards making the me that I project to the world and the inner vision come into alignment.

AND, as long as I’m making resolutions... there is another piece of the puzzle that I am missing. While I have many friends, I have a tendency to keep them at arms length, there is not one person other than J, that I really let close enough to be a true confidant. I need to change that and really work on building my relationships with other people and letting them in. Its time to find a true best friend instead of having a myriad of close acquaintances.

Food for thought heading into the weekend.

Day 6

Still not 100%, but starting to feel human again. I was able to get up on time and take care of the fur babies and the sick boy. Work was a long day, and I got a bit wobbly by the afternoon.

My diet was o.k., with a nice green salad for lunch, but I just ate convenience food for dinner, as I was tired and also taking care of J.

I didn’t have the energy to dance, but I did do my ab work and pole strengthening work :). I’m really feeling the lack of pole time over the past few months.

Before bed I managed to start my meditation and spiritual studies.

Overall, I’m proud of the work I put in.

Days 1 thru 5

Off to a Rough Start!

The universe always throws one a curve ball doesn’t it? I was all motivated and ready to go, when low and behold I come down with the flu. Happy Birthday to ME!!

This means, the first five days were more or less spent in bed with the covers up to my eyebrows and diet consisted of whatever was available and I felt up to eating.

I’m not discouraged however. I’m excited to see what this year will bring. I love myself as I am, but I know that I could be even better with a little effort :). And the fact that hurdles beyond my control are trying to defeat me, makes me think that awesome things could await. It’s when the seas are too calm and easy that one has to wonder if they are headed in the right direction.

So I’m loading up on Vitamin C and D and getting myself pumped up for the journey ahead.